Uncertain is the Word!!!!

Hey

First of all I am posting after more than a year..... so u must guess; how busy was I, struggling wid the happenings around me.... but even today I have nothing to share in terms of good memories!!!
And I generally post when I am tooooo low... n trust me... today is jes one of the last 8 months of such a mind state!!!

I know it sounds so depressing... but trust me... life or may b 2009 was full of too many Ups and Downs ... sinusoidal but the positives were less and negatives were more!!! ( I am not a very negative person but sometimes u r forced to be one. You jes cant keep up the spirit all the time)

On work front... wooshhhhhh I had the most hectic schedules anyone can.. hell lotta travelling, pangas with the xyzzz ( the official heads ofcourse) and the marriage bonanza which ended like the nail in the coffin...
I quit my Job willingly and till date I dont think I did something wrong, neither do I regret.... but there are times when I jes cant take those questions and looks from people....

Well to recall ( BTW my memory and my writing skill all have gone for a toss... I need practice) My dental treatment got over and FULLY completed after long sessions of pain in April.... n then other session of pain started... which looked beautiful in the beginning but Boss it shook me off and made me numb!!!

After lot of convincing and personal evaluation I was mentally ready to take on the guy-meeting and marriage thing.... he was the second guy I was meeting, the first one was as good as null n void.... n to my surprise it clicked.... inspite of his 'lack of basic courtesies', inspite of lack of any clarity in my mind, inspite of not knowing the outcome... something clicked... I till date dont know what!!!

My Bill paying saga on our first dinner generated another meeting wid him (he wanted to cover up.. which was justified), which was our one of the bestest meeting out of 8 we had till September... which includes phone calls, though not very often but surely ones which showed that we are starting caring for each other... My contribution was always at the higher side....

Someone who seemed as a very different person, not following basic rules of calling back when seeing a miss call, showing some surety in the decision and to top the list was the Family's behavior that made us all think.... We a family of 5, all very closely bonded... n they family of 4 but the so long bond was weird... we ended up with a family tussle where I dont think even he knows what was the reality

One fine day during Diwali hols... the chord broke... n the Guy with whom I wished it should have never clicked went away wid all answers and questions... cant even express the anger, the pain, the dearth of humanity they portrayed...

His thoughts still haunt me.... I will sound filmy but I always think of Jab We Met scene... I wanted to call him and talk to him and ask him What the heck??? wanted to ask him.... do u even understand what this is? Will you ever be able to stay happy like this but I guess he is capable of ignoring everything.... every feeling that he faintly showed or pretended to have... n must be staying somewhere happily!!!! Good for him and hopefully good for me and my parents!!!

Then came my job quitting... I was jes not able to take it...not the guy thing but the work place sucked... n i thought i deserve something better, God has not asked me to punish myself staying there!! I wanted to come and stay wid my folks.. to handle them but altogether after keeping so many things in my mind and heart I ended up feeling sick for myself and at times PITY... yes.... I know it sounds like I am such a frail human but trust me... I m still proud of the fact that after all this I didnt end up getting married to any other jes a good guy.... I met another one, very caring, very honest, good family, but when we met it was nothing, nothing at all!!!! 3 hours face to face were the most difficult ones than an hr of telephonic conversation 2-3 times in a week... so I felt sad for him... I felt terrible, I felt guilty, but I felt I was true to him and to me... and kudos to him he understood..

Today when I evaluate... am I doing the rite thing? Am I going overboard for a marriage thing... is it over shadowing my well - being???

Its tough... to keep my parents at bay from worrying... to answer stupid questions of the Relatives.... to stay away from people whom u want to be in touch... to share, to be happy....

Now can u see the pattern!!! X wants Y but cant, Z wants X but X wants something else and then equation of life is never balanced!!! :)

Present situation, no job, no future, still thinking how and when??

and yes.... in between all this... there was shifting of house in mumbai with our luggage in truck for a night, ending up fighting with the broker, make shift arrangement and ending up into a house full of fake promises.. no water, no mirror :) ( we girls need it Man!!!) and me having a 'not any more' relationship with my bestest friend... and well last but not the least diagnosis of a TB to yet another person important in my life!!!!
Sessions of interviews and meetings for new job... leading a nomad's life... and then still waiting for something to materialize...

There are days when I am blank, wondering... when will I see the rays of hope and light
There are times when I envy those who did nothing to have the pleasures of life
And today is one of the days when I just cant see myself composed!!!!

Hope!!! Dont know how???